Beth, Al, and Cynthia got sodas to drink in the movies. “We want a small, a medium, and a large, and I don’t get the large,” Beth told the kid at the counter. “I thought you said you were getting large,” said the boy who wanted the medium-size drink.

Who wanted what size drink?  Answer is here.

Who got buckraked?  Easy.  Cynthia and Al.  Because they didn’t order a small drink.  On average, Americans eat out 4-5 times per week.  3 of those dinners are at fast food chains.  And when you “Super-size” a regular soda, you add over 450 calories and 35 teaspoons of sugar!  The long term result on your health is shown below.

But frankly, we don’t care if you look like chubby on the far right  (above and below).  Chicks really only care if you have money, right?  Ok, well maybe the over sized super big gulp, buzz cut and the glasses can be a turn off for the normal woman.  But everyone knows if you spend all your money on large drinks at fast food joints, no girl will dig you.  And here is the biggest secret of this post:  Free refills. 60% of the time it works everytime.  In other words, why waste money on a large drink if you can refill it all day long?  I am not talking about being dishonest and getting a water cup and filling it with 7up.  I am talking about free, legit, and certified fresh refills.

And how much will that save you anyways?  I am glad that you asked.  The answer is $12,704 in your life.  This is money that would be better spent buying your lady friend a bling bling diamond ring, and the best part is that you can still pack on the poundage with your free refills.

Buckraked bums love to hug and show off their “collections” of DVD’s and Bluray’s. When hanging out with these media addicts, you will notice that they often like to bring up discussions about actors by their first names. This of course is because they saw them once at a film festival and are therefore best buds. They always let you browse their “collections” and let you know that they have been arranged either by title, genre, year, or sometimes by actor for the true connoisseur. You can even rent these prized possessions, but don’t forget to sign their take out sheet so they can bug you in two weeks to return the movie.

Unfortunately, there are a good number of DVD huggers in our world. The average size of a movie collection is 114 movies. That is $2,521 with the average cost of a DVD at $22.11. Not too shabby. We looked around to find some of the larger collections that were being displayed like collections of exotic cars.

One bloke by the name of PS3 Linux had an impressive 4000 DVD’s. But the largest we could find was a douche named Rob1 with an ever growing collection of 17,428 DVD’s and Bluray’s. These jokers spent around $88,440 and $385,333 respectively on movies. Talk about buckrakeage!

One true collector named Neal, was kind enough to do some calculations for us:

If I average that each of my 2665 DVD’s is 2 hours long and that I sleep 8 hours a day and spend the other 16 watching movies (doing nothing else, like, oh let’s say…work) it would take me 333 days. But, I do work, sleep, and have a life. Therefore It would take me about 4 times as long to watch all of my DVD’s. Infact, at any given time I can probably count an average of at least 50 discs I’ve never even opened. And one more thing to keep in mind is that I purchase an average of 7 DVD’s a week (or 1 a day). My point being that I believe I have a “small” movie buying problem and that I may NEVER catch up in my viewings.

So what is so wrong with the DVD and Bluray “collections” that are just about everywhere? Answer: They are getting dumb and dumber. Remember CD’s? How lame is it when your grandma breaks out a CD? Why don’t they make iPods with big buttons so old people could figure them out? Why doesn’t anyone realize how idiotic a wall of DVD’s looks? Any why doesn’t the world realize that with a little Hulu and Netflix you will never have to buy a DVD again, waste weekends organizing your “collection”, or trying to impress your friend’s by dropping first names of actors as if you were buds.

For those readers saying, I want to keep a collection of my favorite DVD’s so I can go watch them over and over and over again with popcorn and bon bons. There are much better solutions for you like Windows 7 Media Center or XBMC for PC or Plex for Apple.

Of all the dumb things someone can do to be buckraked, smoking has to be at the top of the list.  Even a 2 year old can tell you that sucking in hot smoke and ash is stupid.  But let’s focus for a second on the financial consequences for those who smoke.

First of all, how much does the average smoker pay for cigarettes in his or her life?  The average cost of a pack of cigarettes is $5.51 as of 2009.  Using the assumption that the average smoker smokes 1 pack of cigarettes a day, in one year he or she would spend $2,011, the cost in five years is $10,056, and the cost during one’s life is $122,680.

Oh yeah, we should mention the obvious that smokers die earlier by an average of 14 years compared to non-smokers.  So we will need to factor in the “savings” of $28,154 the smoker will enjoy by croaking early.  So you really are only looking at a savings of $94,524.

Although there are plenty of other things that will cost you dearly including selling a stinky car, losing a rental deposit for a stinky apartment, and losing chicks due stinky breath and nasty-ass teeth, we really need to factor in the cost of health insurance.  It costs a smoker $462 more for health insurance per year than a non-smoker.  That means we are going to have to tack on another $21,714.  Ouch, this buck can hurt!

So follow Obama’s good example and drop smoking, and the Buck will guarantee that you will be happier with the extra $116,238.

Aliens and humans love their home phones.  Don’t believe me? Just ask E.T.  A few years ago I moved into a new home and I got a call on my cell phone from my parents who asked when I was getting a home phone number.  ”Isn’t the number you are calling me on good enough?”, I replied sarcastically.  A short pause told me this wasn’t something they ever considered.  ”Well what if someone you know is trying to find you in the white pages?”  I kind of laughed thinking that was the last thing I wanted or cared about.

Fast forward a few years to the darkest deepest moments of the great recession.  My parent’s had lost most of their retirement fund and were going into a state of depression and fear.  I went to visit and got out a spreadsheet and looked for ways to cut back spending.  Wham!  $45/mo on a home phone!  Are you kidding me?  I have been without one of those for years.  My cell phone bill is big enough by itself.  My parents aren’t alone in getting buckraked on a home phone service.

Prices for such services start around $10 per month, but it is more common to get “deals” from places like Comcast around $40 per month.  That is $480 per year, $2,400 in 5 years, and $29,280 for life.  No thank you.

There are much better options if you insist on having an extra phone number to confuse your friends.  One option is Ooma.  The service is free for life after being buck raked for their expensive device.  Don’t worry, this will pay for itself after a few months if you were using some Comcast, AT&T or other pointless service that put you in a white pages allowing call center spammers and recorded voices of Arnold Swartzenager to bother you at 6pm every night.

My advice – drop the home phone altogether unless you are a die hard E.T. fan.